Lately

Ugh. I can't believe I left that lame post up for so long.

Sorry about that.

I haven't been blogging because after Trudy's visit, I was in the final days of preparation for a big dinner I was asked to cater/decorate for. Our stake (group of congregations in the area) hosts a dinner before the Relief Society broadcast each fall, for 220+ women.

That was this past Saturday. As you can see, I am just getting back on top of things.

Thanks in large part to my mom and a few really good friends, I survived. (I didn't take any pictures, but have heard many people did and have asked a few to email them to me...if I get some I will post them). I learned a lot. I had so much fun with my mom doing all of the prep work: watching super lame movies at night (and commentating/ predicting what new lameness would happen next), chucking berries (that we accidentally pulled off the branches- you will understand when you see the pictures) at each other, picking leaves off of branches for hours and hours as we sat and talked, and when it was all over shopping on Monday at our favorite Milwaukee stores. I really wish she lived here....

For the days leading up to the big event I put everything off. The boys would ask, "can we bake cookies?" and I would say, "on Monday". I mentally could not take on anything more than this dinner, even making cookies. So, needless to say, Monday- Wednesday have been filled with things I put off.

Last night we went to the Brewers game (they were not the firm's tickets. They were up in section 400, which we have found is our favorite place to sit because then we don't have to worry about the boys goofing around and ruining the game for people who paid mega bucks for their tickets).

It was a great night and now it's 8:30 in the morning and the boys are still asleep. Chris is off to work and I am ironing while listening to this soundtrack

which I could listen to all day. Only, I was listening to in on playlist.com (because I was too lazy to get the cd out of the kitchen cd player which has not been uploaded onto the computer because.. well... I am too lazy) and I found list playlist

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/7758599179

which I am 1/2 way though and feel this person is a kindred spirit to put this combination of songs together. P&P, Tony Bennett, Frank Sinatra, Nat "King" Cole, Debussy, Ella Fitzgerald's "At Last" (my wedding dance song, which, btw, is pretty unfitting, saying I married Chris at 19 Can't really say I waited for it and could say, "at last". Except maybe for the fact that I had been ready to marry him since age 16:) ) and "Come Thou Fount" (my favorite hymn). I seriously had to double check to make sure I did not make this playlist. Kinda creepy.

Also, I love playlist.com because 1) I can share my playlists with Brian (and he with me). It makes us feel closer. 2) I can listen to that catchy song I heard on the radio without having to buy it (because I know I will be sick of it in a week). It's like Pandora with more control. I can listen to free music all day, but I get to pick the songs.

Anyway,

I took a minute to stop and blog because I was standing there ironing, listening to music I love, thinking of people I love, thinking how wonderful life is. How lucky I am. Which is really saying something, as I was ironing at the time that I had this thought. I am so blessed.

BTW, any of you who are wondering how things are going with big law struggles... I have realized that 2 constants in life, family and faith, are the most important things in life and those things I do have control over. To strengthen. To improve. There are so many things in life that are out of my control, and as a control freak, it's hard to let those things go. But by focusing on the two most important things in life that I do have control over, they will carry me through the bumps in the road caused by all the things I don't have control over. So my perspective continues to be changed. I continue to focus on the good in my life. Life continues to be cherished.

And some link-love

http://grosgrainfabulous.blogspot.com

http://www.sayyestohoboken.com

In a Mood

This morning (if any of you read it already- I deleted it) I blogged about how I am in a mood.

I emailed my MIL about my frustrations that there are things in life that I want and have no power to achieve them.

I was having a bit of a pity party today.

And then I prayed.

really prayed.

And I found that the things that I was lust over (amazing old house, big yard, small town, etc) are not important.

Last night Chris tried to tell me as much when we we talking about things. He said, "You have all of the elements you need to be happy".

I didn't hear him.

I was holding on to this pride that the things I wanted are not wants but they are needs.

I was wrong.

I am so grateful for personal revelation and for a loving God who cares about me and my personal struggles and is always patient and gently shows me the errors of my ways. Instead of praying to know His will, I was really praying, "please give me what I want". 'sigh' and no one can show me the error of judgements but my Father in Heaven (I guess I still have some pride issues, 'eh?)

I uploaded all of these awesome moody rooms because... I was in a mood... I couldn't delete them with the post. they are definitely still worth looking at, even if I have pulled myself out from the clouds (again).

A stark contrast from my usual:

I know my MIL and Dad feel particularly cheated if I don't blog pics of the boys.

Wednesday we went for a run after dinner.

It was a million degrees so we went up the the fountains at Bayshore (need a post about that).

Stopped and got a cookie at Pot Bellies.

Dropped books off at the library.

As we approached the library, we could see a tent and hear music.

Then a sign that read "Community Band. 7pm Tonight"

There, under the tent, in a million degree heat, sat a bunch of grandmas and grandpas playing in a band.

It melted my heart.

And made me think of Grandpa Dale.

Especially when they played a polka and a bunch of little girls got up to dance.

(No, cousins, it wasn't Turkey in the Straw or She's too fat for me, but I still loved it).

And a moody songs for you (the video is a little crazy, but the song is great).

Gratitude

High school CRuss and Jenny 2001

I don't know what happened.

Before I unloaded "the truth" posts on you guys, I felt heavy with the burden.

After my dramatically written posts, and hearing so many encouraging words from you all, I was ready to move forward. I say forward and not on because I feel like moving on has a negative connotation or quiting something. I don't need to quit. I need to move. Forward. I was trying to stand still in a rapidly moving river. It's exhausting trying to stand still.

Obvi I am still unhappy with how little we see Chris. That situation has not changed, how I deal with it has.

I grieved.

I whined.

I pouted.

But now I am ready to live. I can see all of the goodness in my life. I am still in that river. Life is swirling chaotically around. But if I want to get across I can't stand still.

Chris is making an incredibly sacrifice for our family. He is working hard to get us out of law school debt. He is working hard to "improve our chance" at a successful future. He is working hard for us. Because of him, I am able to be the mom that I am. Because of him, the hard work he puts in (and has put in to get to this point) I am able to spend my days laughing and exploring with my two buddies. He has given me the greatest gifts in life: these two precious babies and a lifetime to spend with them. I am motivated simply by that thought. How will I use this gift? I still miss him, but I don't feel this aching sadness. I feel humbled. Grateful. Loved.

A large part of my happiness in life comes from faith.

Chris and I are together.

Will be together forever.

In this life and afterward in heaven.

Stretching out the time line a bit helps me keep perspective.

I mean, when you have forever, a few tough years feels a little more manageable.

Also, I know I have a Father in Heaven, God, who loves me and my family.

I know he listens to prayer.

I know he answers them.

I also know he wants us to be here.

Now.

We are learning from this.

Amazing life lessons.

Learning what is truly important in life.

Seeing there are advantages and disadvantages to every experience in life.

Seeing there is a "trade off" for everything.

Learning that there is really no such thing as "having it all".

Learning that we were completely wrong about what we thought we wanted in life.

Changing who we are.

Growing.

Improving.

Developing gratitude and humility.

Youth Conference 2001

Chris,

Of all the greatest things in life, you are the best.

I love you.

L.O.L.

Laugh.

Chuckle.

Giggle.

Merriment.

All this and more when you have two little boys (we pretty much do this every day).

I had this really romantic idea that I would sit out and enjoy the sun and read.

40 pages of that book are now sprinkled with water spots and mud.Trudy, I may have to buy you a new copy.

Have I ever told you how much I hate spilled apple juice???It's sticky, and dries clear and hard to scrub and oh how I hate spilled apple juice.

I just heard an entire glass spill all over the kitchen table and floor.

Nate said, " don't worry, Mom. I can clean that up.... with my mouth."

Chris had to be at a work thing at 6pm tonight, so he was going to "sneak out" early to come see the boys briefly as he needed to come home and change clothes anyway. 5:20 I get a phone call asking for me to get out the gps and his clothes because he is going to have to make a quick change and leave again. Frustrated (because I had already announced to the boys daddy was coming home to play for a minute and they were waiting at the door) I asked what happened, as he told me he was leaving 40 minutes ago. This was not fair, as I know he has no control over things like this. And he didn't. A partner came in to assign a project, yadda, yadda. It just is hard that there is no consideration or respect for families (not because of this incident, but just "big law" life in general). I was thinking about this and how attorneys in general (at big firms) have something like an 80% divorce rate. So, with that, they view their job as the constant in life, not family. What your time and attention should be devoted to because it's what is going to see you through. I get it. It's just sad. I am so glad we don't view life that way.

p.s. We spent 5 hours at Pirate Fest. I seriously think there need to be badges you earn like boy scouts for things moms do. I def. earned a badge.

The Truth (part 2)

Okay, part 2

why am I blogging this now?

I read a lot of Nie the last few days.

Especially her sister's blog who wrote while Nie was in a coma. (I went back in the archives to the day the accident happened and read forward from there).

I realized it's okay to be honest.

I don't have to only blog about happy life.

It's okay that I am mad as heck and I don't care who knows it.

Because I am.

I am mad at the world for separating us.

I am mad at the ridiculous, inhumane expectations to work 20 out of 24 hours.

Yes, maybe I am naive and irresponsible and want to run away and live off of love and wishes. But that's why we got married so young, right? No amount of time is ever enough together.

Okay, enough with the pity party.

We have a really, really good life. A great life. A perfect life when we are all together.

In fact, it's kind of an off day when my boys don't say at least once, "THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!" or for short simply, "BEST DAY EVER!"

We try to protect the kids as much as possible from the reality of Chris's grueling schedule (although obvi they are aware). We meet for lunch. We make Sunday FUNDAY (as reverently and appropriately as possible, obviously). During the week, the boys and I will take dinner up for Chris to the office. And we always do pizza and movie night Fridays (even if he has to go back to work after). We Skype. We talk speaker phone throughout the day. We paint pictures for dad to take to work. We try to steal time away every day or two for just our family.

Last week before the miserably cold, rainy weather returned we snuck in a lunch break beach day.

It was a "BEST DAY EVER" for sure.

It made me remember all the reasons I love Milwaukee so much.

Like how the lake sounds just like the ocean, so I pretend that it is.

And because I am pretty sure frozen custard is the state food.

Or how we can live in a suburb that feels like a small town, but is only minutes from downtown which makes it possible to meet Chris for spontaneous outings when he can take a quick break.

And that downtown is filled with so many fun things for us to do on lunch breaks: the beach, Discovery World, the Milwaukee Public Museum, the library, the children's museum...

But since we make time for family. There isn't a lot left for us.

Me and the Mr.

Besties.

BFFs

Hence the reason for the pity party. But Nie has inspired me. She does a great job of making a big deal out of the little things: May Day, Back to School, every holiday, etc. Tomorrow is Nate's last day of school. Yes, he only attended two days a week (for 2 hours a day). But it is still cause for celebration so I am signing off because I have a party to plan!

Love,

J.

The Truth

... is out.

I am a wreck.

I don't want to live without Chris.

I don't want to blog.

I don't want to have people come visit.

I don't want to go do anything fun.

I don't want to have friends over.

All things that remind me, "he's not here!!!" and " I wish he was here!"

I am so tired of living without him.

It hurts.

A lot.

Physically.

It makes me tired.

It makes me anxious.

It makes me sad.

It makes me cry.

I have been dragging my feel for the last six months that he has become MIA refusing to "go on" without him. I am like a spoiled little brat whose parents are dragging her out of the house and I am going limp so they have to carry my full weight. I am grabbing on door jams and anything I can get my hands on to stop the progression.

I don't want to go on.

But I have to.

I have these beautiful, amazing, wonderful little boys to make life magical for.

I can give them better than this.

But even as I type this I cringe at the thought of "moving on" without him. I feel like I am "mourning" him and if I stop, he will feel less important to me (I know that's not true, he tells me every day all he wants is for me and the boys to be happy). Nonetheless, I still feel that way. I feel like I am betraying him by moving on. Or, more so, accepting that this is life.

....

...

..

I have two little string beans to get out of the tub and in to jammies. I will finish this post after books and bed and family prayer (via phone with Dad at work).

Today

True or False?

1.When Nate's friend tried to persuade Andy to stay in his room while said friend and Nate went down to the basement to play (so they could play alone), I overheard Nate say, "Declan, Andy is my braaaaw- thur. That means we are best buddies" and then put his arm around Andy's shoulder and said, "Come on Andy, you can come to the basement with us".

2. I found a suspicious puddle on the stairs that I am pretty sure is pee.

3. While squatting on the kitchen table Andy exclaimed, "there's pee-pee on the table, Mom". Sure enough, there was.

4. Nate asked me to sing the Star Wars theme and then , after I "passed", the Indiana Jones theme. He started to sing along with me with a huge smile on his face. So glad I had brothers so I know this stuff.

5.. Tonight as we were baking dinner and cookies for Chris (which we were then going to take up to him) Nate asked, "Sooo..... does Dad live at work now?" Though I choked on my words and my heart stopped, I calmly smoothed things over by replying, " No, he comes home every night and goes right in to your room. Tucks you in. And kisses you and Andy. The he stands there for a minute and just watches you guys because he missed you so much all day.

All true.

(and don't tell Chris about the dad living at work thing. It would break his heart)