Gratitude

High school CRuss and Jenny 2001

I don't know what happened.

Before I unloaded "the truth" posts on you guys, I felt heavy with the burden.

After my dramatically written posts, and hearing so many encouraging words from you all, I was ready to move forward. I say forward and not on because I feel like moving on has a negative connotation or quiting something. I don't need to quit. I need to move. Forward. I was trying to stand still in a rapidly moving river. It's exhausting trying to stand still.

Obvi I am still unhappy with how little we see Chris. That situation has not changed, how I deal with it has.

I grieved.

I whined.

I pouted.

But now I am ready to live. I can see all of the goodness in my life. I am still in that river. Life is swirling chaotically around. But if I want to get across I can't stand still.

Chris is making an incredibly sacrifice for our family. He is working hard to get us out of law school debt. He is working hard to "improve our chance" at a successful future. He is working hard for us. Because of him, I am able to be the mom that I am. Because of him, the hard work he puts in (and has put in to get to this point) I am able to spend my days laughing and exploring with my two buddies. He has given me the greatest gifts in life: these two precious babies and a lifetime to spend with them. I am motivated simply by that thought. How will I use this gift? I still miss him, but I don't feel this aching sadness. I feel humbled. Grateful. Loved.

A large part of my happiness in life comes from faith.

Chris and I are together.

Will be together forever.

In this life and afterward in heaven.

Stretching out the time line a bit helps me keep perspective.

I mean, when you have forever, a few tough years feels a little more manageable.

Also, I know I have a Father in Heaven, God, who loves me and my family.

I know he listens to prayer.

I know he answers them.

I also know he wants us to be here.

Now.

We are learning from this.

Amazing life lessons.

Learning what is truly important in life.

Seeing there are advantages and disadvantages to every experience in life.

Seeing there is a "trade off" for everything.

Learning that there is really no such thing as "having it all".

Learning that we were completely wrong about what we thought we wanted in life.

Changing who we are.

Growing.

Improving.

Developing gratitude and humility.

Youth Conference 2001

Chris,

Of all the greatest things in life, you are the best.

I love you.