I am a wreck.
I don't want to live without Chris.
I don't want to blog.
I don't want to have people come visit.
I don't want to go do anything fun.
I don't want to have friends over.
All things that remind me, "he's not here!!!" and " I wish he was here!"
I am so tired of living without him.
It hurts.
A lot.
Physically.
It makes me tired.
It makes me anxious.
It makes me sad.
It makes me cry.
I have been dragging my feel for the last six months that he has become MIA refusing to "go on" without him. I am like a spoiled little brat whose parents are dragging her out of the house and I am going limp so they have to carry my full weight. I am grabbing on door jams and anything I can get my hands on to stop the progression.
I don't want to go on.
But I have to.
I have these beautiful, amazing, wonderful little boys to make life magical for.
I can give them better than this.
But even as I type this I cringe at the thought of "moving on" without him. I feel like I am "mourning" him and if I stop, he will feel less important to me (I know that's not true, he tells me every day all he wants is for me and the boys to be happy). Nonetheless, I still feel that way. I feel like I am betraying him by moving on. Or, more so, accepting that this is life.
....
...
..
I have two little string beans to get out of the tub and in to jammies. I will finish this post after books and bed and family prayer (via phone with Dad at work).
4 comments:
The truth hurts. My kids go days without seeing their dad becasue he is working, working hard to provide for us and make our lives better, but most nights as I sit on the couch with the kids in bed I cry because I dont have a husband who is home to love me the kids.
holy crap! i had no idea the life of a lawyer's wife (& family).
i just want to give you a big big hug.
and i hope that someday it gets better. i can speak about the medical field. and post-residency, it gets better. but i don't know about lawyers.
love to you.
love to those boys.
love to your hubby.
sending wishes and thoughts of togetherness soon.
What's your mother to do? I can't fix this! Life,...ugh somedays and wow the others. Just hang on for the ride and enjoy the moments cuz there are no do overs.
Jen,
Holy smokes, where have I been. Oh that's right M.I.A. I haven't been doing the blogging lately. But I just read through your posts and just wish I was closer. I am sorry for this trial in life. I think your words describe exactly how I would feel if it were me in your shoes. I just wish I was there to make you some popcorn cake....with DOTS! Love ya woman!
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